I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
