my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
