When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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