I wish my penis had an off switch
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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