Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
