dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
