So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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