she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
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