He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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