Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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