last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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