Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
