I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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