My friends, they love my intelligence
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
