This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
