9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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