Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
