dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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