did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
