I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
