I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
