yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
there is glitter all over my balls
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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