good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
