I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
