9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
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