Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
