i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
