You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
