Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
