Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
