youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
