he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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