just tell him i said nine months
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
