My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
