Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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