Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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