So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
