dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
