I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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