Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Come on in and take your pants off
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