This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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