she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
did you just send me my own nude
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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