Michael Bay diarrhea
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
