Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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