Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
