I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
