a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
