Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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