Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
