i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
