you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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