You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
