Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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