i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
